When I looked back in this 4 years, I knew that I'm growing up. I have a lot difficulties there, but I received blessings too. And I knew anything that happens to me today, it's not because of God punished me. What happens to my life today, it simply just because my decisions yesterday.
So, I won't regret it.
Regret just makes me to not move up. I knew that I made some wrong decisions, and I received their consequences. I won't regret it and I want to face it bravely, because I know that God is still with me, and He loves to help me fix anything messed here. That is my new chapter of life. Now I really know how the feels of 'the younger' when he came back after he took and wasted his father's property.
Sometimes I feel that I don't deserve any mercy. I walked too far and anything became distracted, and I'm clueless how to fix it all. But thank God, I still chose to came back with humility. I don't know why I chose this path. Perhaps I am arrogant. Perhaps I am fearful. Perhaps I'm too scared to hurt myself. It hurts me a lot when I chose to walked in my path and not His.
I still remembered when I decided to take UP Training every Sunday evening, just because I must accompany my friend, kak Ayub and Fefe (the trainers) asked me a question in a session: "Is music your passion?". I remembered that it took some times for me to answer it. I never really think about it before. I took music as my ministry just because my satellite needs it. Is there no one wants it? Oh, a lot! But why it always come back to me? Geez... I never think about it.
I struggle a lot to think about this. If it's not my passion, why I still do it? It hurts me, hurts many people, and hurts God's heart too if I still do it without passion.
Fefe states something which tug my heart: "Playing keyboard is not from here (point her head), but from here (point her heart)." That statement exactly same with my 1st keyboard trainer (ce Kezia). I remembered that I cried a lot when I started this ministry. I cried because I wasn't able to learn music a lot in a short times. I lacked a lot and my improvement is not significant. When I cried (in my heart), ce Kezia just stated it, and I was relieved.
I remembered too when I made my life plans. I wrote that I'll meet my prince charming in 21th, and get married in 23th or 24th. Next year I turn to 23th and I still don't have any idea who is him. I wondered just if I obeyed Him, perhaps I really married in 23th. It's hard for me to release my dreams and believe Him. Sometimes this problem is so confusing for me. We often ask Him and want Him to give a clear direction for us. Victor told me lately that if I had a clear direction from God, am I still believing His right time? If the answer is no, am I keep quite and with a cheerful heart try to forget him instead begging and asking to God why He don't want me to be with him and try to seek my way how to make God granted my wish? Or if the answer is yes, am I keep silent and waiting His right time patiently? Who can ensure me if the answer is yes, I won't find out anything about him?
We laughed when we talked about this. We imagined how to be God in this case. That's why God didn't give a clear direction about who, when, and how we meet our spouse. It can be a mess when He give a very clear direction to us in a WRONG TIME. He just want to make a deep relationship with us and the only thing that we can do is just to believe Him. Just believe. There is not such thing like believe 100% or believe 99%. Believe is believe.
Thank to You, God. You remind me and strengthen me. I took 3 years for me to realized that You are still faithful. And You're really faithful!
"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on Me, when you come and pray to Me, I'll listen. When you come looking for Me, you'll find Me. Yes, when you get serious about finding Me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."
Jeremiah 29:11-13 (The Message Bible version)